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The place for my PAIN

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7th March 2006

6:32pm: .....
Fuck em....fuck all
Current Mood: pissed off

4th March 2006

3:13pm: Drinking
So i had my big sis over last night ..wooot. I love her so much , we hung out and of course are friend "V" was there, so there were good times. We had a good discussion about alot of different things after most of the house had gone to sleep. I'm so glad that things worked out the way they did. That I met her, that I ended up moving to Michigan..and all sort of other stuff.But the main thing I want to rant about is the fact that I'm getting tired. Tired of the whole grl , thing...I seriously should just make out an ad , listing the qualities I'm looking for and post it all over, cuz I'm getting tired of playing these whole bullshit games...I'm either to far away or to nice and they just end up using me...I'm tired of this cycle. This cycle of use and abuse and reuse and repeat abuse...I'm just fucking tired. Ok I'm done...I'll rant some more later..although I'll leave on a good note..I love my big sis and i care so much about the true friends I have and would lay my life down for them.
Current Mood: contemplative

23rd February 2006

11:48pm: On the Subject of moving
So it is and always has been, my plan to get as far away from this part of the country as long as i can remember. Where to you may ask....SEATTLE.this plan has as of recently been more possible, I'm living as you all can tell in Michigan, a new thing to most , but not to me, I am in good hands as you might put it, and in these hands I'm readying myself to move to the west coast , permaently. I really have no reason to come back. My family has been a mess and is still, they'll lied to me a long time it seems, as I have just realized. They have been in denial so long that it seems they have hid alot of things from me. Even my families past is covered in by smoke and mirrors, but this is no new thing. The only family I have are my big bro, big sis and new mom...and the only other blood related family I have is in Seattle. They are the outcasts if you will of the family, so therefore I'll fit in completely. They have always been there and will always be willing to lend a hand in a dire situation if need be. So as it stands , all i have to do is get the money and I'm outta here. Have fun Ohio , hope ya burn.


18th February 2006

7:43pm: Help You
You say You Hurt
You say Your Pain runs deep
Yet You setup a pity party every other week
How am I to help You??
When I can't even help myself.
You drink Yourself to sleep
With the sounds and songs of memories long gone
The past is just that the past
I try to make anew each day
Yet You tear it apart
Is Your Pain so great???
You just can't let go
You just can't start again
You have to keep living those past events
How can I help You??
When I can't even help myself.
Current Mood: crushed

17th February 2006

8:27pm: Cycling
Today was great, I woke up early had a great cup of coffee. Did my daily stuff, then halfway through the day it hit. It always does. I know the signs, there clear as day, right on my fucking face. Yet I feel so hopeless to do anything about it. The depression always comes, hits as hard as it can, sometimes lasting for weeks. I guess I should count my blessings I been down the road, that road, the road I want to tread again, yet can't. It hurts to know that the pain is coming. That there's no real cure, that it won't ever stop, that is until you die. And that day is no where near. So where does that leave me...I'll tell you were it leaves me...right down here in this fucking pit, this hell hole full of mental anguish. I know I don't have it that bad, not as bad as some, yet that really is no comfort for this pain. Its like nothing causes it and yet at the same time everything is wrong too. What cure is there, there is none. No medicine, no special pill, no mindset, NOTHING. And thats were I'm at today, and as I know myself be in this same spot for either a few days or maybe a week or two. All I know is that I hate what I am and I hate this pain. i just want to get away from it, to run, but I know no matter how far I run my demons will still be there INSIDE ME.
Current Mood: cold

15th February 2006

10:31pm: Trying Not to REMEMBER
I still try and block out all my memories of her...the one i dated for about a month. Lovers come and go, but the key is friends. The things I've felt don't mean shit to her, I know that now. I kinda wish this would stop happening, the whole truely caring for someone and getting royally fucked and used over that emotion. I realize I care too much, I realize I feel too much...just wish I could stop feeling, yet I realize I was given the emotions for a reason, this disease for a reason. Yet that still doesn't help the feeling of pain and yet empathy and compassion/forgiveness for the people that hurt me, the lovers that come and go and use me as if I'm some rag doll to be used and abused. This shit, these feelings I always will question. You'd think that after a person fucks you over that you'd tell them to fuck off and die, yet given the wondering feeling I have I forgive them and let them back into my heart. I must be stupid, I must care too much. I know I do, I can see it by the way I act after being hurt. This is all so tiring, I just want to run, to get away, to go some place where no one knows me, where I can start over again.
I just want to fucking move.
Current Mood: discontent

11th February 2006

1:57am: Things are better
The times i most think i hurt people, are the times i hurt myself the most. What have i learned from all of this?? The most i can say is that im growing up. And it may hurt, but I'll be a better man for it all, this is to all my friends..I love you all....
1:01am: I fucked it up again
So i did it again, i left home. The place were i was born, the place i have so many memories about. I fucked up again. Im sry to everyone...my big bro , my big sis , and everyone who's come upon my path...i love u all but its better this way.. bye
~ Stephen~
Current Mood: and in pain

9th February 2006

8:54am: I'M DONE
So the end came sooner than i thought. My love has died, stolen from me, my parents are angry, I've lied again, fucked up again...damn this hurts so bad , the temptation is there, I want the pain to stop...but it won't ever and I know that... I know that so very well. And as I smoke the days last cig I'm left with the thoughts, the memories, the pain...I'm done fuck this little world, fuck them all.......I'm Done.
Current Mood: crushed

8th February 2006

4:19pm: The New Road
I have walked this road..this long hard road out of hell. I have come close so many times...the fall was so tempting, but i managed to resist. I know where I've been, and I could see where i was going...I don't want to go down that road ever again. I have been saved so many times. I owe my life to my friends and family...no matter how hard the road they hav always been there and I'm so greatful. For now i will keep walking away from the pain i had known so well and into the happiness i hope to see soon.
Current Mood: determined

7th February 2006

9:55am: As of recently...
We folks i got a job then quit then got another job and now im on my way. This is the beginning of my new life, my life outside of what i had become. That thing i had become was full of himself and knew what he wanted and how to get it. I regret all I have done in the past , but i can't change it nor can i live ini the past. My time is now and i must live day to day....i was addicted ...addicted to many things and i have to rid myself of those things, for the temptation is too great..too great for me to handle. And as I pick up the pieces the past still haunts me. Is this how it has to end...yes this is my new beginning.

Current Mood: content

25th January 2006

7:34pm: Still alive
Im still alive and kicking. Been living with the parents and younger sibling now for 2 weeks since that dreaded day, that day when my life changed. Since then its kinda scary to say I've grown up so much , I look back to when I first graduated highschool...scary how much I've changed since then......oh well for now im focused trying my best not to think, yet I still wake up at night thinking I'm somewhere else, somewhere I had to leave...it stil hurts , but I haven't come this far to give up now not now not ever....I will push on.
Current Mood: contemplative

17th January 2006

3:23pm: Way to fucking go
Yep im not getting better infact im messing things up more....hope is dead....im done
8:53am: ummmm
Im back to the place where i was born..we'll see how it goes considering what i've done and become
8:16am: Moved
I have royally fucked things up...if knows me im a lost cause..im trying to put the pieces together again. I have hurt the ones i truely care about , the very people that saved my life and took me under their wing, im going to find a way to fix things, to make amends, i know i can't make people forgive me, i can't make people stop hurting, i've done so many things wrong, so many things that i have to live with for the rest of my life, im sry i did this to u all....my plan as of now is to live wit my parents for a short time, get back on meds, see the doctors, get a job , and find a place to live, i have messed things up so bad, im even surprised my parents still care, i've hurt or broken everything i've come in contact wit, i must grow up im must change, i can't depend on anyone else any longer i have to face me and live and work on me...its time to start living and stop existing....Im sry to everyone i hurt , i have to go now, im going to try and keep people posted, but im going to be gone for a while or at least till i get things straightened out i need to....
Current Mood: melancholy

21st November 2005

3:05am: It starts
The day is long and full of pain..im still collecting myself..im never together completely but i try. This is where i start to log my pain and daily tradgies, if anyone cares to read and follow along then so be it...but i've been alive for 19yrs and have always been alone, and more than likely will be for the rest of my life... i still wish and pray for my other but that day will never come. so this is where i begin and for now where i end i'll keep whoever cares posted but besides that im going to go wander and try to not think
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